misserable heart

Ladies, we are just a weak animal. anything happen, if you are not protecting yourself, nobody will help you and most probably you will lost everything.

When you are thinking you are in love, pampered, concerned and loved by your Mr right, that not always the reality. It might be your own illusion. When the time you realize the real situation means that your life have ruin.

We are not man, anything wrong they still can start over again.
A lady, if you are giving your heart to the wrong person, he not only ruin your body, your mind, your future but also your heart. 

once your heart die, you are die.

Never give your heart to anyone even the closet one.
leave your heart to your own.
you are the only one that can really protecting your heart.
Why?
Because others are busy protecting their own heart. They will not mind about your heart.
Remember... protect yourself.

How to let i know that i knew?

Now i realize, once injured, it will have a scar remain
It wont turn back time

Last time, i when i get angry, i will show to u tell u
And at the end, i will cool down and u will become the boss

I knew everytime u will gimme a reason that everything just i misunderstood u.
Most of the time, i felt guilty

Maybe this is because u really occupy my heart

But now, i just wanna calm down
I dun wan to listen to any lie from u
I am bored
I hate people lie to me
I believe u not only tell me lie once,perhaps more than i cant believe


I cant accept people lie to me

Dear, i really make me feel like u r stranger for me
I am scare of u now
Who u really u r?
What ur purpose on me？

The hardest thing is to tell u " i knew u lie to me....."

What should i do now?

Where am I?

Quite a long time i disappear
Today i thought will be a best day for me
Will be a nice and warm sunday
I could woke up early in the morning to fetch my beloved cousin
I laugh when i heard his cute voice
My dear purposely make a visit to my house
I told him not necessary but he answered "what to do, i miss u"
So sweet. I really smile from heart
I thought to visit my relative today and introduce to them the investment scheme
What a good day, will i have enough time?
Hopefully today will be a long day

However, what u plan will never win a changes.

I am happy when i met my dear
I look deeply to him
He looks so sweet so caring
I suddenly felt he is my rite one
Not willing to say goodbye,so, follow him for a meal
Unexpectedly i saw a message from a girl
He always said there is someone(a kl girl) that like his best fren
I truly trust him at the begining
But from time to time i saw more messages
Although a simple message, but a simple message always have a bigger meaning
Even me and him also start from call and messages even today still almost never change
And today i saw a message newly from that lady, call him OWL
No wonder he want a DIY owl from me
This really make my feeling fade off...

Knew that i cant rely on anyone
I need money, i need money, and i truly need more money
I prefer earn myself
I plan to sell my DIY dolls
I start to work hard to sell unit trust
When i heard my relative interested, i really happy
I really put a big hope, my confidence boost up
I CAN DO IT!!
But in 2 hours time, my relative told me he wanna delay his unit trust plan
That time i told myself calm down be profesional, accept and...
Smile...smile... Act like usual
I dunno what actually rumour that being spreaded by someone,
I dun care
But i know i am ANGRY
I dun mind they dun wan but i mind if someone try to sabotage other not to buy from me
I really suspect someone talk something behind me

I am in my hometown, i cant cry even i wan
No place for me to cry, no time for me to cry
I only can cry when i be with water

I just realize i've change
Now i smile but i dun think it is sweet
I laugh but i dun think i laugh for something i feel funny
I laugh when i think i need to laugh
I praise but in my heart, i felt guilty
I say yes but my heart keep beg to no
I felt i am so fake
I hate myself
I hate myself

I wanna tell my father u r the one that i ever respect
But u spoil my dream, u spoil my life
When i think of this, i always think to die
I wanna go to eight floor........

I dun believe anyone
Anyone will harm me
I need to protect myself
I just trust myself
I just trust myself........



























































L

我是我自己 我不是别人

我已经有很久很久没来这里了
可是今天听你说了一句话真的真的让我冷了下来 

"你为什么不像她那样对男友呢?"

那局话让我自己面对了镜子一段时间


我问问我自己我到底谁?

这样的我不是你要的吗?

我很差吗?
我真的很差吗?
我真的真的很差吗?
如果是的话那你就离开好吗?
my mom ever said this kind of words to me...
her words haunt me for years....until now....
i just wanna repeat my words...
if u wanna enter my world, please accept me,
if u unable to accept, please leave...
i am here not for you to critics....

people never compare you not meant you better than others but we just don't want to hurt you.

this song "可惜不是你" is for us?

i just realize, now i treat my blog as my diary...
luckily..no one come to view...
most of people has forgotten this blog...
is good thing indeed..

i don't know what to write here, but...while listen to the song..
"可惜不是你"
makes me think, is this song is for either one of us?
last time i never worry...i never care, even i think of nothing is permanent ..
now...i can feel the pain in my heart if the day comes...
that night, u told me something happen to u..
at that moment, i really shock, is that real?
tears that fill up the spaces in my eyes make me realize how important u r to me...

thinking back to the moment  we had together...
almost one year... 
u become apart of my life...
u fill up almost all my night time before i sleep..
although we are far apart, but u always try to pull our relationship closer
every time i was unhappy, u'll comfort me,
every time i was angry, u'll let me complaint and even scold
every time i was bored, u'll accompany throughout the time
i don't realize since when u slowly walk into my world and even open the door to the prohibited room...

the time we being with each other really short,
that was the thing that i really regret of,
why not we spend more time together?
wait for the time to meet u dear....

i don't know what can i do to reduce your pain...
what can i do is...be with u...
appreciate all the time with u..
as i promise....i will not make u unhappy again...

no matter what, thanks for bringing happiness to my life,
thanks for let me know how to appreciate someone,
thanks for let me know what is the things that called love....
and..thanks for entering my world....

u just eveready..not yet energizer

u always ask...did u treat me nicely?
yes...orally...u treat me super duper nice....
u always told me....u will do this to me u will do that to me, we will go here, we will go there...
but...will all that really happen??
we don't know.....
but so far, what i knew.....today u mention, tomorrow,u totally forget about it...
i always try to hint u...
don't u ever promise anything that u can never do....
pls don't ....i don't want to have a bad impression to u...
it is hard form me to pretend to be happy because u tell me something that purposely to make me happy.....just purposely make me happy....and wealways know..it will never happen

today i told u.....we had gap a long time we didn't met.
u say yes...u miss me, u want to see me, u need me, 
but yet,
u never try to find a chance for us to met.
u started calculate to me...u said...
"don't worry...u will come back at the end of october,
"we will meet in KL in december,"
then u said again "u will come to hometown again in january.."
and..."u will back again in april..."
do u ever realize....u just wait me to go back.....
do u ever think of....
how if one day, i am not going back....how do me meet?
i really disappointed when i realize this....
i always thought u treat me importantly....
u said u miss me, u want to see me that is real...
but i am wrong..
that is not the thing that u want desperately.
because..i believe...human will put effort to get what they really want..
but what i can see from u...u....never....never.....


.

we still bonded...but....

u ask me..."did i treat u badly?"
erm.....this is hard for me to answer....
u treat me not bad...
good.....but the 'good' is not yet achieved my requirement.
you realize that u r in the border of fail or pass...
yes....for me...we now....nothing more than just like a best friend...
we do talked on phone everyday....can say it is a routine of our life now....honestly i used to it.
but did we ever do something surprise or out of expectation to each other before???
do i ever did that?? yes or no...that depends on what you think..i don't know....you have the answer...
what do you ever did?? ok...for me...the only the real only one...you came to a far far place to pick me...as our first trip too....that the only things that make me change the perception to you...i really appreciate the moment...my sweetest memory with u....

my answer to u...

i told u..u just treat me so so.....how u treat me do change since the time we start...and the slight improvement do make me really take u importantly....but once u r sure i am in u...you like loosing the rope...

yes..i am greedy...i am selfish...i need surprise...i need something unexpected from u....but you like being real normal....10 days equal to one day....nothing different....i can felt bored...my feeling will fade off......

you answer me..."i am like that...i can never treat u better a day than a day... then finally....at the older day...when i can't treat u better... it will be worst....so..i will not treat u nicely at first...then i will slowly improve day by day...so u will appreciate me~~"

but dear...do u ever think that....we still new in our relationship...this is the chance we gotta gain merit from each other...we must do something that really meaningful.... unforgettable..sacrifice....it all about timing.....if the timing pass....no matter what u try to do later...it will be nothing  more than useless...and meaningless....when time goes by...it will bring along our feeling away....we still not really strengthen our relationship....but seems...everything going to be worst......this is the third time i mention this seriously to u...everytime...end up with....u told me...u headache....u need to rest earlier......

i know it is hurt to tell u, i be with u this time but it doesn't mean that i will be with u in the forever to the future...because now i still evaluating u....u can do that to me as well....now i am sure...i just can be your girlfriend but being a part of your life in future...still impossible....you still not the one...

and this time u add up one more phrase...

"alright then...i am not your one......then u just go to find another guy better than me..."

something that someone never know

sitting in my small room...
viewing boring facebook...
viewing lost contact friendsssss.... clicking from one picture to another...
but one picture stop me from clicking...

in my mind....make me think....
how good if i can be in the picture right now....
having my dinner at the beach...
be with the one that i really like to be with....
accompanied by the wind blow, song of wave, sound of sea bird...
perhaps, will be marvelous if i can see dolphin leap around the sea.....

all the time...i always hope there are someone that could really accompany me at those great time...
although i know is lame if i said i would love to be with some that i love, let my little hand be in his warm hand and finally be in his shoulder and what so over...
but honestly...i really wish to be that lame....but i think most of the woman outside there also wish too...but only they haven't really found the right person(the one beside us may not the right one...)
and i really wish to be with my one...Wish for my one really appear at the right time....

my dear...i never tell u what i prefer u to do to me....because i don't want to force yourself to be the one i want you to be...
i just want to be with the real you....however, if i found out....i am not suit with the real you....
i will keep going on my own way.....hope to bump into the one that i really hope to meet...
yea....it is just a wish....a wish for everyone too i guess...

软软笨笨的珊瑚

也许心淡了吧。。。。。
再怎么好听的话也是税负不了。。。。
该痛的心也痛了 该留泪的眼也湿了
伤到的心也留下疤痕了。。。
可是心跟主任一样重。。。。一点也动不了
也有可能笨蛋的心是石头做的吧。。。
这个笨蛋当了这么久的试用品也没发觉。。。
公司倒闭了。。
不要说试用品。。
现在连普通用品也不会在有了。。。

p/s 该次当找到适合自己的用品时，大量进货。。。试用品是不能用久的。


好想好想一个人去一个我好想去的地方。。。
听着红豆的歌。。。就好像我心中的歌。。。

还没好好地感受雪花绽放的气候
我们一起颤抖会更明白什么是温柔
还没跟你牵着手走过荒芜的沙丘
可能从此以后学会珍惜天长和地久

要学会放下哦珊瑚。。。

对不起亲爱的

我知道我这样会很伤你。

你对我的好 我是感觉得到的。

你对我的用心 我也懂得

可是不知为什么

我还是觉得好像少了那么一点点的心

也许对你来说一些事是小事。

可是你却忘了很多时候，

往往一些小小的事对一个女生来说是很重要的。

她们会为那一些小小事哭而笑的 

或许你认为那个女生根本不值得你去花一些些的时间吧。

我记得你跟我说过

你陈经被一个你很爱的女生深深的伤害了

最伤的是你根本没办法放下她 

因为你太爱她了

当你学会放下了你很避忌同样的事在发生在你身上

你陈对我说你不再对任何一个人太好

因为你陈经被背叛的事 你怕了

所以，你也不会对我太好

可是你却没想过

我是无辜的。

 

到了今天我才发现，

你不怎么把我放在心上

到了今天我才发现，

我所认识的你也是从你口中告诉我的你 而不是我真真认识的你

到了今天我才发现。。。

在我心中所认识的你 跟我真真认识的你 是两个世界的你。

每当我跟你在一起的时候

让我觉得我好像跟了一个陌生人。。。

你跟我的之间好像格了一道墙 。。。。。 

怎么去靠近你也靠近不了。。。。

这么久以来 很多人走过了我的世界

可是没一个人真真踏入我的世界。。。

现在 我学会去接受 一个人 ， 你。

我打开了我的心门 让你进来了。。

才发现。。。你不是属于我的世界。。

虽然 我的心 默默的在流泪

可是我还是要谢谢你

应为你 

我懂得什么是幸福 

懂得什么是珍惜

懂得什么是爱情

现在 我也要懂得

怎么样拿了起来就要怎么样放得下去。。。。。

i walk at the familiar place...
i did something that i cant do it alone last time...
felt glad coz still have chances to stand on the beloved land...
make me felt...i miss everyone, everything and everywhere that accompany me for the pass few years..

i really hope i could turn back time and be the pass few years Coolin..whatever happen, just stay cool but hot...nothing is a problem...never think twice...able to tried on so many things that came accidentally at the right timing and out of expectation...never think of risk....

now..becoming coral...soft...everything seems hard for me...everything seems a problem for me...
i need to consider so many time...makes me misses so many people, so many things and so many chances...

where is the easy-going coolin?? ON anytime everytime and with anyone? gone...
i love coral but i hate being soft coral...controlled by waves...affected by fishes..affected by so many thingss!

i need to change...i need to be special coral...soft but hard...and cool.....

i wish to...

last time i used to count on how many time i should spare with my friend for yumcha
how much time i need to spend with my family
dream of some place i want to go
now....i must count on how many book i need to refer
how many staff i need to contact
how many lecturers i need to discuss with
think of the appropriate way to answer question from students
and and and need to laugh forcefully on lame jokes over some kiasu people

study week comes, salary comes, sure relax...
but why these few nights i can't really get into my sleep?
a lot of thingy floating in my mind...
family, friendship, loveship, my dream
all strangled in my mind

how long i didn't really spend time with my family??
since i enter UMS till now and future(unknown)
who is the one i really wish to be friend with all the time??
different place, different friends
penang-my childhood friends and some crazy friends, sabah-wushu friends and coursemate friends , now.......still looking still deciding...
loveship...one come one go....
most of them pass by and just able to look through the glass door
NO ENTRY board is there....bye bye
now..one stop to look. the one pass by so many times, finally he able to open the door cos the no entry board flown by wind of time
just sit in hall as guest
although anything can happen in hall
but still remain in hall for the mean time
due to the distance we had, he may heading to exit door
curious to know..where am i for him
Hall as well? maybe...

i dream to swim in the blue sea
i can see through the blue crystal clear sea
through the water, i could see my relative there
coral reef, fishy, turtle, dolphin or maybe whale~~
swim with them, play with them, and even ride on them..wow!!
i wish to see coral around me waving to me~~
i wish to see fishy swim around me to say "hi" to me
i wish to be in the circle of barracuda welcoming me in the sea
i wish to visit all the different color that have in the sea....
evening,
i hope i can sit on the beach and blow softly by the wind
and let the sunset watch me.. i think too much.
at night,
looking for little glowing plankton on the beach
blanketing by the stary stary on the sky
its is more comfortable if someone can lend me his shoulder counting on the starsss..

wake up~!! oh gosh~~!!
surrounded by SMART students, and peoples so called lecturer or appropriately..TEACHER!!


ARGH~~!!help me!!!!

Definition of teacher
- outdated, kiamsiap, narrow-minded, involve individual at any age that look like aunty and uncle that believed is "highly educated and rich of knowledge" about EVERYTHING JUST FROM BOOK.

Definition of SMART students
-everything same as teacher, just a level before teacher and always think they are clever than anyone.

similarity of smart students and teachers.
never hand on those thingssss they learn. They knew EVERYTHING JUST FROM BOOK.
live in small small world that they thought is a big big world because of THEY KNEW EVERYTHING

dream

still bugging by the dream
although it just a dream
i did mind about it

you told don't think too much and don't worry
u had experienced something like that b4
u won't hurt others to experience it
do i need to relief to hear it?

u told me u going out, i won't ask where. i just say ok bye bye
but i really want to ask where did u go? with who?
but i didn't. i knew even i asked, whatever u tell me,
i can listen but to believe or not, still depends on myself.
honestly my little hearty told me..i cant take everything u said....
in a relationship when there are disbelieve appear, that means the end of a relationship is going to end.

dear myself...

sitting in office.....typing some text....
is that what i really want?
no i hate this...
i'll holding microphone and standing in the center of attention of so many students...
when i speak, i will be the only one who speak and the rest listen, give response...
is that what i want??
maybe.....
my friend everyday keep telling me....
hey dear...you should know this is not the life you want.
you knew what suitable for you...
you still have time to change, you still young and still able to take the risk..
but the problem is...i am not the only on in this world i still have my family and i am the eldest.
for years my parents bare the responsibility to bring me up..its time for me to take care of them now...
maybe i am not fair to myself but if i think like that, do my parent treat themselves fairly?
no...they sacrifice a big part of their life for their children. they not fair to themselves as well. there is nothing so called fair in the world. fair or not fair is depends on our own perception.

breaking my boring life

First time in penang i wake up so~~ early without felt missing my bed. Coz i am going to pantai kerachut!! although i live in penang more than 20 years, but i never heard of this beach b4....lame penangese... =.="
i heard pantai kerachut got turtle....me and my cousin so eager to meet with all those turtle~~ and the most special is i heard my friend said it is good idea to overnight there. coz we will see a bright sea. we can see the sea will glow in the dark...you know why?? hehehe plancton!!! i really really really wish really wish to watch the bright plancton in sea... sorry friends~~ that day becoz of me we cant overnight!!


wa....i never thought, we have to get permit to go to the beach.



gonna go through a short journey of the jungle...


finally...reach liau!! what a waste...i didn't bring along my swiming suit...cant swim!!






oh my god....really don't understand why they just remember to sleep once reach there~~~
why not try to walk around~~~ maybe...they need to rest their old bone..hahahaha
p/s ah miao...u still young...i not say u have old bone ya~~


whatever la...it was so wasteful if i didn't go around.....i went around myself...


this tree look nice....



until today i still guessing what means by this sign board ???



this was the only turtle i saw at pantai kerachut. its okla...at least i still saw turtle crossing






from left, david, hens, ah miao and me!!! lucky we still able to capture our group photo b4 going home.



another turtle i saw....... =.="


thanks david!!! ah miao, david and hens...next time we go together gether again ya~~~

20.9.2009 sunday

生命的每一個人

一路上我遇到很多人

他們岑帶給我歡樂，哀愁和痛苦

讓我喜歡他們，討厭他們

甚至恨他們。

走了一段路后， 我回頭看看他們時

卻發現他們不知何時，早已失去蹤影了

這事，心里其實很想對他們說：

謝謝你們岑陪我走過這段路

因為你們才有今天的我。

thanks my friendsssss

learn hard thing

突然覺得我好厲害哦！！
我在一天里面在朋友的教導下學會了彈guitar
還是彈了生日歌 哇哈哈哈
其實是想彈給一個朋友的他生日快到了
可是我要買的guitar還沒到啊！！
真么辦哎呀真么辦～～
剩下兩天！！
沒辦法跟別人借來學現希望guitar可以快快拿到。
現在practice了半天， 手指很痛啊！！
可是還是不可放棄！！！
我一定要打動他的心～～

誰是好人？？

真沒想到吃到那么大了
突然覺得自己其實很單純
在這幾個月里面工也做過了，家里也坐過了，
才發現其實人根本不簡單
跟我在讀書時見的完傳不一樣
真的嚇到我。。嚇到要跟人出門都想十下
現在我面對的人很多都是有備而來的
有一些帶著做sales， 有一些是要幫忙的（這個ok)
最可怕的是一些ham cheong帶著利用的心。
很多時候我上當了我還不懂。。。
媽咪～你女兒我太善良了！！！

一個不是我的我

糟了。。我越來越靠近老師的生活了
我岑經在form6時在好幾個朋友面前發誓過
“我什么都可以當只是不當老師”
liao lian咯。。想都想不到我竟然上大學讀老師！！！！
還讀了四年。 P/s 蓋次不要亂亂發誓
當老師喔～肯本不像我
學生不只是高過我還年輕過我。。不爽～～
這份工悶又悶。。。好土啊~~~
在我們影響里老師都是土土的
穿花花的衣服（batik), 顏色一點都不鮮艷的衣服，長長auntie的裙。。
p/s 我要穿褲可以嗎？OL一點 哈哈哈
OMG!!!
更離譜的是很多女老師都是沒結婚的
到最后要相親。。 =.="
我以前聽到有人要相親我就一定笑道爆
說什么“這是什么時代了還要相親來找對象？？！！”
產了。。報應來了～～難道我真的真的有一天也要走相親這一條路嗎？？！！！！
啊～！！！！ 我不要～～！！！！！

老娘出馬了～～！！

今天9月12日
又是無奈的一天
可是一場小小的意外令我精神了
我很厲害我敢敢走salah路
竟然跟一輛也是走salah路的motor撞
不是很嚴重啦～～可是就是不爽
又加上那輛不是我的車才糟糕！！
我一直聽人說如果accident
要談判就要大聲那才是贏家不管對還是錯
所以一下車我就噼里啪啦的罵
很多人看著。。。不管著罵
有一些人就很不錯還幫我說話
可是就有一些王八蛋uncle吃飽沒事做一直叫我算了
那些死Ah Pek那么kepo不然回家陪家人吧～～
坐在kopitiam擺lampa浪費生命。
kanasai的是黑人還好你跑得快不然老娘還想在罵呢！
可是我還是快快跑好了
如果那個人去拖水我只能拉水
到最后我還是選者cabut～～比較實在 哇哈哈哈